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If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans

Author: Ann Coulter
Publisher: Crown Forum • 2008 • 273 pages
4.62 out of 5 • View Ratings Details • 39 Ratings

“The truth,” says Ann Coulter, “cannot be delivered with novocaine.” In her latest blockbuster, “If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans,” she wallops Democrats with a full dose of unvarnished, unadulterated reality — as only Coulter can deliver it. Witty, sharp-tongued, outrageous, and always faithfully conservative, here is Ann at her best, running circles around liberal pundits, pols and Leftist wackos before they even know what has hit them.

Here is the definitive collection of Coulterisms — an incisive, side-splitting, thought-provoking and always entertaining compendium of Coulter’s most dead-on, most devastating quotations. Included are hundreds of Coulter quips and analyses from her speeches, television and radio appearances, and interviews — most of which have never before been published. On subjects ranging from Democrats to dating, environmentalism to evolution, religion to Reagan, and terrorism to television, here is Ann Coulter’s delightfully wicked and superbly insightful commentary.

For years now, Ann Coulter has been confounding and enraging liberals — but she has never been as uproariously funny, fearless, and unfailingly right as she is in If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans.

Coulter on:

  • Abortion: “For liberals, a human life begins at the precise moment the person starts filling out his first application for a government job.”
  • Airline security: “Six imams removed from a US Airways flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix are calling on Muslims to boycott the airline. If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether.”
  • Bill Clinton: “Clinton’s library is the first one to ever feature an Adults Only section.”
  • Jimmy Carter: “Here’s a foolproof method for keeping America safe. Always do the exact 180-degree opposite of whatever Jimmy Carter says as quickly as possible.”
  • Liberals: “You know you’re doing something right when you’ve reduced hordes of liberals to blind, sputtering rage.”
  • Her own reputation: “If you’re not being called outrageous by liberals, you’re not being outrageous enough.”
  • Race pandering: “With their infernal racial set-asides, racial quotas, and race norming, liberals share many of the Klan’s premises. The Klan sees the world in terms of race and ethnicity. So do liberals!”
  • Civil rights: “What Democrats mean by ‘civil rights’ is the civil right of a woman not to inform her husband she’s aborting his baby; the civil right of a minor to have an abortion without notifying her parents; the civil right of a woman to plunge a fork in the head of a child as it struggles through the birth canal because it has a cleft lip. That’s ‘civil rights.’ “
  • The Left and religion: “Liberals hate the idea of God because it competes with their conception of themselves as a specially anointed elite.”
  • Jesus Christ: “There is no surer proof of Christ’s divinity than that he is still so hated some two thousand years after his death.”
  • Liberals and conservatives: “I keep picking up the New York Times and reading about how smart liberals are, and you know, how upset they are that George Bush lacks nuance and he lacks intellectual curiosity. But I go to college campuses. We’ve got mikes in the audience. Stand up. Show me some of that intellectual curiosity. And they throw food. … I note that you don’t see any conservatives throwing pies at Michael Moore — and he’s asking for them.”
  • Liberal lawyers: “I like how all the same criminal defense attorneys go from defending O.J. to defending Clinton to defending Saddam Hussein”
  • Swing voters: “I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don’t have set philosophical principles. You’re either a liberal or you’re a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster.”
  • Global warming: “The temperature of the planet has increased about one degree Fahrenheit in the last century. So imagine a summer afternoon when it’s 63 degree and the next thing you know it’s…64 degrees. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Run for your lives, everybody! Women and children first! Help! Where’s FEMA, dammit?”
  • Environmentalism: “Liberals don’t care about the environment. The core of environmentalism is hatred for mankind. They want mass infanticide, zero population growth, reduced standards of living, and vegetarianism. Most crucially, they want Americans to stop with their infernal deodorant use.”
  • Liberal goals: “Liberals want us to live like Swedes, with their genial, mediocre lives, ratcheting back our expectations, practicing fuel austerity, and sitting by the fire in a cardigan sweater like Jimmy Carter.”
  • Gay activism: “Thousands of gay men died and their blood is on the hands of the so-called AIDS activists who thought it was more important to push their political and social agendas than it was to educate gay men about the dangers of public, anonymous, promiscuous, multiple-partner unprotected sex. Or as it’s known in West Hollywood, ‘Friday night.’ “
  • “Civil unions”: “The big argument for ‘civil unions’ — but not marriage! — is that gays are denied ordinary civil rights here in the American Taliban. This is where gays usually bring up the argument about all the straight couples living in ‘sham’ marriages, but I see no point in dragging the Clintons into this.”
  • The liberal outcry over Guantanamo: “On the bright side, at least liberals have finally found a group of people in Cuba whom they think deserve to be rescued.”
  • John Kerry: “If John Kerry had a dollar for every time he bragged about serving in Vietnam — oh wait, he does.”
  • Republicans: “Republicans waste more time being afraid of Democrats than they do robbing orphans, evicting widows, helping corporations — you know, what we’re paying them to do.”
  • The Supreme Court: “It would take a modern plague to make any headway in confining the justices to interpreting the Constitution rather than issuing wild policy pronouncements offensive to most Americans.”
  • This book: “Instead of waiting for liberals to take my most outrageous quotes out of context, I am taking them out of context myself. Fasten your seatbelts! This time, I am going ‘too far.’ “

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